Remembering the Past

This is going to be a very sad post but I want to share my story.  How a person can choose to be strong on difficult situations.  And this is my way of remembering my parents.

2013 came by fast for me and my family.  It has been a challenging one just like the end of 2012 was.  Let me tell you about it.

My mom passed away when I was about to give birth last December 2012.  She suffered a cardiac arrest after getting out from the ICU.  We thought she was recovering already but it turned out that she wasn’t.

I thought my world crumbled down on me when my brother called me crying.  When I answered the call and heard him, I already knew it.  But I didn’t want to accept it yet.  I shouted at the doctor to revive her.  Until a few minutes later, the doctor told me that she already did everything she could do.

I didn’t know how I survived that day.  I just kept on crying.  Everyone was scared.  They were afraid I might give birth unexpectedly.  The elders were calling and telling me not to cry, and that I have to think about the baby inside me.  I was torn.

I admit that our family was never perfect.  But the love was there.  I didn’t get the chance to see my mom for the last time.  I was in the hospital, I was scheduled to have a C-section 2 days after she passed away.  I tried to recover immediately so I could go to her wake, but due to Chinese sayings and beliefs that it will only make it hard for mom to go where she is supposed to go, I decided to just stay at the hospital.

Those were some of the hardest days of my life.  I thank everyone who went to see me and who paid their respects to my mom.  I also thank all our family and relatives for being there, for guiding my brother & my sister through this hard time.  I thank both my brother and sister for being strong and my husband for representing me and for doing everything I was supposed to do.  And of course, for just being there.

After the wake, maybe due to exhaustion, he was the one who stayed with me in the hospital, my husband got dengue!  He was confined because his platelet was really low and he was really in danger. 

With a new baby in the house, with what happened to our mom, and dengue for my hubby, I thought I wasn’t going to get through it.  I wanted to break down.  I wanted to cry all day and all night.  But I didn’t get the chance to do so.  I needed to be strong for my family.  I had to stay on my right mind.  I have 2 kids who needed my attention and utmost care and I have my husband to think about. 

The whole December of 2012 was really a tough one.  It was the saddest Christmas.  Thank God for the little bundle of joy and for the recovery of my husband.  We moved on and tried to live normal again.  But still, there were days that I cry and think about my mom.

Come New Year of 2013, living life one day at a time.  A few months later, March to be exact, I received yet another sad news.  My dad who was based in Taiwan was very ill.

I got a call from Papa, he said he was confined in the hospital.  But he didn’t tell me his real situation.  He told me his doctor wanted to talk to me personally and that I needed to go there.  I was thinking, if his condition wasn’t that bad, why wouldn’t he let me talk to the doctor over the phone.  I knew there was something wrong.  I again was in a mess.  This is a different situation.  We decided to go to Taiwan and see him.  But we were faced with another battle.  Visa is needed and it would take time to get one.  So I begged for people with connections to help us.  That was the longest week.  I was crying almost everyday in the office.

It was given exactly a week after I received Papa’s phone call.  When I got the call from Dennis that he’s already holding our visas, I immediately called Papa, I told him we were flying out and to wait for us.  By this time, he’s already having a hard time talking.  We booked the next flight out.  We went straight to the hospital from the airport.  We met with my dad’s youngest brother (who I asked a favor to go and check Papa out because he didn’t need a Visa) at the lobby and it was the first time I saw him with tears in his eyes.  I knew then that his condition has worsened again.

I remember crying when I first saw Papa.  He was lying on the hospital bed and was already unconscious.  I didn’t get to talk to him anymore.  But he did wait for us.

For the whole day, we just stayed beside him.  I put my phone beside his ear so that he could hear my daughters’ voices from the videos.  I held his hand tightly and shouted at him.  Why shout?  Because even if he’s already unconscious, he still responds when you talk to him in a loud voice.  He raises his hand and opens his mouth.  But the sad thing was, he couldn’t anymore.  He doesn’t have that strength anymore.  We were a day too late. 

A lot of his friends from Taiwan visited that night.  Only good words are said about him.  He even had prayer friends who came over and prayed over all of us.  And their leader told us that he is now ready to leave the world and the pain.  That Papa already accepted his fate. That we have to let go. 

He passed away that night.  But I am pretty sure that he did with ease and a light heart.  I wanted to cry but I can’t.  I took care of my grandma, Papa’s mother, who still couldn’t accept everything.  She was crying non stop and I was comforting her.  Again, my strength and faith were challenged.

It has been a year since Mama’s death.  And Papa’s death anniversary is also just around the corner.  But here I am still crying for my loss.  I have so many regrets.  Regret that I didn’t tell them how much I loved them whenever I talked to them.  Regret that they won’t see my daughters growing up so cute and bright.  I have a lot of plans for them.  But they chose to leave us early so that we will not bear the pain anymore.

Papa and Mama, I know you are both in a better place now.  I want to tell you how I love you both even if I didn’t get to show it that much.  How I miss your phone calls.  Yung mga pagkulit nyo sa akin.  I can’t thank you both enough for putting me in a good school and raising me to be an independent person.  I won’t forget our family trips, I have those memories etched in my heart.  I promise that I will tell stories about you to my kids.  I am sorry if I wasn’t the best daughter.  But I promise that I will take care of my sister and my brother and will be a parent to both of them.  Please guide me and my family, Kat and Jr, the rest of our family always.

This is not farewell. 

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